Possible Cyborg Militarization in South-East Asia

This is an unconfirmed report from Stumpy Henry's South-East Asian corespondent that a secret facility in Laos has been constructing cyborg soldiers for as long as two years. Stay tuned for more information.

R.I.P. Thomas Ulysses Biddle

The staff here at Stumpy Henry would like to send our prayers and remorse to the family of Thomas Ulysses Biddle; better known to his friends as "Scoop". Thomas was a friend, a co-worker, an alcoholic, and a family man. He held his friends and family above all else, except maybe a nice bottle of Johnny Walker. Scoop, we will cherish those three sober hours we got to spend with you every day.

Thomas Ulysses Biddle (1969-2008)

Vote Fire Tomorrow

This is a friendly reminder from the staff here at Stumpy Henry (National Pyrodeism Representatives - NPR) to go out and vote tomorrow. And by vote I mean, vote only if you are going to vote for Franko E. Goldman (see picture) the Pyrodist candidate for president, otherwise stay at home.

Note: Franko Goldman will probably not be on the ballot, because most of the petitions to include his name on the ballot were lit on fire before they could reach state officials.

FUH!

Evil Plot Revealed

What Happened to euromullet and Beefclaus?

The millions of viewers of this blog have probably been wondering what happened to the delightfully horrific warfare between euromullet and Beefclaus? Well… I killed them. It was quite the ingenious plan… if I do say so myself. I hate to be tooting my own horn here, but conspiracy to murder is definitely one of my strong points. It all happened a couple of years ago…

I met euromullet while dining on some delicious Donner Kabob in Spain. He came up to me (interrupting my lunch, which is of course the reason why I had him killed) asking ‘dos legitos, dos quitos?’, I replied in the affirmative after which he provided me with his contact information (the biggest mistake he ever made in his life).

The events which led to meeting Beefclaus are a much more mundane story. When I met Beefclaus I was already figuring out a way in which to end the life of that miserable bastard that I met in Spain. So, it was a pleasant coincidence that I met Beefclaus at a local meat and poultry convention (which I attended to learn some butcher techniques useful in the dismemberment of dead bodies). By chance Beefclaus caught glimpse of the wallet sized picture I carried of euromullet (I always carry pictures of those I wish to kill). He asked if I was related to that filthy eurotrash. Realizing that this man harbored as much hate and resentment for this man as myself I told him that he was my cousin. Beefclaus must have realized that I was his key to finding his archenemy, so he befriended me and remained in constant contact for many months.

I now had the tool to reach and destroy euromullet … Beefclaus. I began my plot to eliminate euromullet in January of 2007. The plot was simple really. Start a blog under the guise of some ridiculous band and have euromullet and Beefclaus become contributors. The two would then recognize each other and destroy one another. The plan was put into motion, but I became worried when after nearly a month, neither euromullet nor Beefclaus had posted. But my worries subsided when I saw the blaring attack of euromullet. From here on out the plot continued on perfectly, until these two began to discuss a truce. Realizing that my forum created to ensure their destruction had turned into a path towards peace, I knew that swift and immediate action had to take place. So, I offered to mediate the peace talks. They accepted my offer, not realizing that I had been plotting their doom from the beginning. Thinking back it was quite naïve of them to agree to meet in my underground lair, and I though that they might have thought twice about sitting at a table suspended above molten lava and hungry lava sharks.

Now that my mission is complete, I can now turn this blog into another radical religious forum promoting the one true religion of pyrodeism.

~Tuff U. Hawk

Looking For a New God?... How about Fire!

To all those tired of that same old God who spits in your face and crushes your pathetic soul for his own amusement... may I suggest pyrodeism. That is right Pyro as in fire, and Deism as in worshiping an entity. In other words, you'll be worshiping a fire god. Sound cool doesn't it? Well jump on aboard, because there is nothing more fun than lighting shit on fire in the name of God. Arsonist?!?... more like persecuted for your religious beliefs.

...More details coming soon...

Summer Solstice (otherwise known to more ancient people as Super Happy Fun Orgy Day) is at 7:59 P.M. EDT today.

Like a Phoenix Stumpy Henry Returns!

Back after his exclusive three year tour of Europe, Scandinavia and the sub continent, Stumpy Henry has finally returned to the good ol’ U S of A. We here at the Stumpy Henry blog could not be happier. We were beginning to think that the long hours of meticulous animal sacrifices were all for not:

Bible Games Revied by the Angry Video Game Nerd

You Are All Lawn Gnomes

I SHIT ON YOU

Spring is HERE!

Euromullet, in light of the niceser weather, let us come together as brothers. You are a worthy adversary, EM. Your tactics may be dubious at times. That is why you represent the side of evil and I the forces of Righteousness. So put our petty differences aside and stop this unproductive squabbling. I offer you a truce.

All claws lead to Happy Peacetime.

NASA Detects Oatmeal Raisin Cookie in Asteroid Belt

Yesterday, scientistical humanoids utilized supra-hella-cool machines for the purposes of snack reconnaissance. The GH1603 Rotational Dynamic Sucrose-SodiumChloride Detection Probe sent back information to Earth that shocked scientistical humanoids. They then went to lunch to celebrate the great discovery. Upon passing the Asteroid Belt on its way to Jupiter to attempt a gravitational acceleration to explore the far reaches of the solar system for the "Snack to end all snacks," GH1603 reported back data indicating the existence of a half-eaten oatmeal raisin cookie. This comes as a monumental discovery. Whereas it is well known that several thousand oatmeal raisin cookies inhabit the Asteroid Belt, none have ever been reported to have a bite taken out of it. This raises questions about the missing link to a unified field theory.

Theorists are already working on fitting in an adjusted gravitational constant accounting for an increased attraction between all matter and oatmeal raisin cookies. Apparently, Forcal Pladinsti of 75 Wood Thrush Way walked into a focused gravitational cookie ray and was instantly sucked into outer space towards the cookie. He traveled so fast that he was able to reach the Asteroid Belt and take a bite of the cookie before dying in the harsh conditions of outer space. This monumental discovery is expected to have massive consequences in the future of humanoid technology. It is rumored that a superior cookie based computing system, as well as a PDA/Cookie are currently in development. For more information, please visit the Crawford Institute for the Turminally Nom.

Tally Ho

I am disappointed...

How disappointed I am in you Mr. Claus. I extended you the olive branch and you only respond with some ridiculous image, clearly not you. And yes, the hair is quite nice but not at all what the ladies think sexy. Look at me and you will see sexy. See how she is happy there, so close to me. I see no ladies close to you.

ALF

Rate My Poo

Go ahead. Rate it.

My Down to Earth Handsomeness Will Eradicate Your Posh Hairdo, Euromullet.

London, 1989. I show you my true self Euromullet. Observe how handsome I am. Feel yourself debating your sexuality because of my extreme attractive nature. Moses sits atop my head to create that wonderful, Biblical Part. Have you ever seen a part such as this EM? The answer is yes. You just have and you still are because you can't stop looking at it. It almost prevents the eye from that which has not before is weren't didn't not. HA HA!! My shoulder beckon's to you. "Hello." It says. "I have a pointless strap," continues the noble hair free shoulder, "and it has a button...........button.........button." As you drift off into a dreamless sleep, Euromullet.

ONLY TO BE AWAKENED BY A DULCIMER TO THE SKULL AND A PETRI DISH OF ROTTEN FISH.!!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH EUROMULLET THAT WHICH IS WITHOUT YOU I HAVE TAKEN AND THAT IS HAVE YOU WHAT IS NEVER MORE OR SHALL BE HITHERTO. HA HA.

All Claws lead to BeefClaus.

Try Your Best at Growing

Ah, Mr. Claus...I feel you are nearly out of threats. I think it is high time to stop this nonsense. Try your best at growing. You do not cause me fear and I tire of your empty threats. Perhaps together we could work this out. I hand to you an olive branch.

Cut the S#!% Euromullet!

It is time to end your lies and deceitful manner, EM. "And I do not even respond to your threats with rabbit picture because that is just ridiculous and the rabbit looks delicious to me." Do pretend you not that fear is not instilled in your Perrier ridden blood. Your fancy pants water boils inside your veins made of hot dogs dropped by a small children that were terrified by picture rabbit. So cut the S!#@, Euromullet. And get a haircut. You look like an a$&?#@!*

All Claws lead to BeefClaus.

If I Were Jesus...

It's Me, Mario!

Shoes

Maybe The Only Hockey Player As Tough As Domi

Tie Domi Should Be in the Hockey Hall of Fame For Being the Best Fighter Ever

Here you all go. Some of the best Tie Domi moments.



Tie Domi with the wicked right to knock Ulf Samuelson out cold. (Best cheap shot ever!)



Tie Domi and a Flyers fan fight in the sin bin. (This is a Tie original)




The classic Tie Domi fight against Bob Probert. Probert has almost a foot on Domi and he takes the title.

Rumpy Stenry

Why do image not found always lead to no image. And how do they get there? These and other questions will soon be no image by an ancient image not found. Found in the sacred image lost, it requires great care and insightful interpolation to image not found. So much so, in fact, that the readers of this no image will be unable to no image.

Tally Ho

Let Me Hear Your Body Talk

Meat and Stuff

You Threaten Me With Machine?

Mr. Beef Klaus - you threaten me with machine like little girl? I am a man who fights with my hands. I do not hide behind machines. But if this is how you choose to battle me then I will be forced to bring out my machine. Not some silly bicycle with a hippie rider. Instead I shall bring forth the machines that you see here. The ones that once ransacked my village until we tame them and work them to our wishes. They have been sleeping many years but do not think that I will not use them against you. And I do not even respond to your threats with rabbit picture because that is just ridiculous and the rabbit looks delicious to me.

Euromullet. Beware my newest creation AND OR blunder?!!

Behold my latest edition of unyielding wrath, Euromullet. This device, piloted by ex-minor leauge hockey club linebacker turned gourmet sandwich chef, Guilphinead Rapinintstonistin, will propel you to doom Euromullet. Do you see that bag of trash on the rear wheel of its Anterior Pain Quadrant? Yes, you do. That's right Euromullet. See that trash. Fear it. For you will soon be near it. And smell it. It doesn't smell that bad, but if you poke around in it, it releases hellish aromas that will scare away even the most fierce dung beetle. So poke, Euromullet, poke. Poke the Anterior Pain Quadrant's Olfactory Release Mechanism Decoupling Device and feel the wrath of Guilphinead Rapinintstonistin. HA HA HA HA HA!!!

All Claws lead to BeefClaus.

SHESB Readers Shocked By Study

A NEW! study that has been released yesterday by the International Association for the Internationalization of International Nations reported that readers of the widely popular and critically acclaimed "Stumpy Henry & the Ethereal Stick Blog" have been reported to have been writing in passive tense for what may have been several hours this morning. Local police were arriving at the scene from beginning of today and up through and with wait until this is from before here. Onlookers were said to have been describing the scene from the previous sentence and become were horribly confused. The remainder of the readers may choose not to seek treatment for minor cuts and abrasions but are reccomended from a man with an envelope to go between instead of over them. The reason being that the spherical symmetry of an asymmetrical non-sphere is and was is not isn't not even is.