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Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
R.I.P. Thomas Ulysses Biddle
The staff here at Stumpy Henry would like to send our prayers and remorse to the family of Thomas Ulysses Biddle; better known to his friends as "Scoop". Thomas was a friend, a co-worker, an alcoholic, and a family man. He held his friends and family above all else, except maybe a nice bottle of Johnny Walker. Scoop, we will cherish those three sober hours we got to spend with you every day.
Thomas Ulysses Biddle (1969-2008)
Monday, November 3, 2008
Vote Fire Tomorrow
This is a friendly reminder from the staff here at Stumpy Henry (National Pyrodeism Representatives - NPR) to go out and vote tomorrow. And by vote I mean, vote only if you are going to vote for Franko E. Goldman (see picture) the Pyrodist candidate for president, otherwise stay at home.Note: Franko Goldman will probably not be on the ballot, because most of the petitions to include his name on the ballot were lit on fire before they could reach state officials.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Evil Plot Revealed
What Happened to euromullet and Beefclaus?
The millions of viewers of this blog have probably been wondering what happened to the delightfully horrific warfare between euromullet and Beefclaus? Well… I killed them. It was quite the ingenious plan… if I do say so myself. I hate to be tooting my own horn here, but conspiracy to murder is definitely one of my strong points. It all happened a couple of years ago…
I met euromullet while dining on some delicious Donner Kabob in Spain. He came up to me (interrupting my lunch, which is of course the reason why I had him killed) asking ‘dos legitos, dos quitos?’, I replied in the affirmative after which he provided me with his contact information (the biggest mistake he ever made in his life).
The events which led to meeting Beefclaus are a much more mundane story. When I met Beefclaus I was already figuring out a way in which to end the life of that miserable bastard that I met in Spain. So, it was a pleasant coincidence that I met Beefclaus at a local meat and poultry convention (which I attended to learn some butcher techniques useful in the dismemberment of dead bodies). By chance Beefclaus caught glimpse of the wallet sized picture I carried of euromullet (I always carry pictures of those I wish to kill). He asked if I was related to that filthy eurotrash. Realizing that this man harbored as much hate and resentment for this man as myself I told him that he was my cousin. Beefclaus must have realized that I was his key to finding his archenemy, so he befriended me and remained in constant contact for many months.
I now had the tool to reach and destroy euromullet … Beefclaus. I began my plot to eliminate euromullet in January of 2007. The plot was simple really. Start a blog under the guise of some ridiculous band and have euromullet and Beefclaus become contributors. The two would then recognize each other and destroy one another. The plan was put into motion, but I became worried when after nearly a month, neither euromullet nor Beefclaus had posted. But my worries subsided when I saw the blaring attack of euromullet. From here on out the plot continued on perfectly, until these two began to discuss a truce. Realizing that my forum created to ensure their destruction had turned into a path towards peace, I knew that swift and immediate action had to take place. So, I offered to mediate the peace talks. They accepted my offer, not realizing that I had been plotting their doom from the beginning. Thinking back it was quite naïve of them to agree to meet in my underground lair, and I though that they might have thought twice about sitting at a table suspended above molten lava and hungry lava sharks.
Now that my mission is complete, I can now turn this blog into another radical religious forum promoting the one true religion of pyrodeism.
~Tuff U. Hawk
The millions of viewers of this blog have probably been wondering what happened to the delightfully horrific warfare between euromullet and Beefclaus? Well… I killed them. It was quite the ingenious plan… if I do say so myself. I hate to be tooting my own horn here, but conspiracy to murder is definitely one of my strong points. It all happened a couple of years ago…
I met euromullet while dining on some delicious Donner Kabob in Spain. He came up to me (interrupting my lunch, which is of course the reason why I had him killed) asking ‘dos legitos, dos quitos?’, I replied in the affirmative after which he provided me with his contact information (the biggest mistake he ever made in his life).
The events which led to meeting Beefclaus are a much more mundane story. When I met Beefclaus I was already figuring out a way in which to end the life of that miserable bastard that I met in Spain. So, it was a pleasant coincidence that I met Beefclaus at a local meat and poultry convention (which I attended to learn some butcher techniques useful in the dismemberment of dead bodies). By chance Beefclaus caught glimpse of the wallet sized picture I carried of euromullet (I always carry pictures of those I wish to kill). He asked if I was related to that filthy eurotrash. Realizing that this man harbored as much hate and resentment for this man as myself I told him that he was my cousin. Beefclaus must have realized that I was his key to finding his archenemy, so he befriended me and remained in constant contact for many months.
I now had the tool to reach and destroy euromullet … Beefclaus. I began my plot to eliminate euromullet in January of 2007. The plot was simple really. Start a blog under the guise of some ridiculous band and have euromullet and Beefclaus become contributors. The two would then recognize each other and destroy one another. The plan was put into motion, but I became worried when after nearly a month, neither euromullet nor Beefclaus had posted. But my worries subsided when I saw the blaring attack of euromullet. From here on out the plot continued on perfectly, until these two began to discuss a truce. Realizing that my forum created to ensure their destruction had turned into a path towards peace, I knew that swift and immediate action had to take place. So, I offered to mediate the peace talks. They accepted my offer, not realizing that I had been plotting their doom from the beginning. Thinking back it was quite naïve of them to agree to meet in my underground lair, and I though that they might have thought twice about sitting at a table suspended above molten lava and hungry lava sharks.
Now that my mission is complete, I can now turn this blog into another radical religious forum promoting the one true religion of pyrodeism.
~Tuff U. Hawk
Monday, June 30, 2008
Looking For a New God?... How about Fire!
To all those tired of that same old God who spits in your face and crushes your pathetic soul for his own amusement... may I suggest pyrodeism. That is right Pyro as in fire, and Deism as in worshiping an entity. In other words, you'll be worshiping a fire god. Sound cool doesn't it? Well jump on aboard, because there is nothing more fun than lighting shit on fire in the name of God. Arsonist?!?... more like persecuted for your religious beliefs....More details coming soon...
Friday, June 20, 2008
Like a Phoenix Stumpy Henry Returns!
Back after his exclusive three year tour of Europe, Scandinavia and the sub continent, Stumpy Henry has finally returned to the good ol’ U S of A. We here at the Stumpy Henry blog could not be happier. We were beginning to think that the long hours of meticulous animal sacrifices were all for not:
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